FYI: Lots of ranting below.

So i went out of town this weekend to visit Terra & Kate. We had a good time considering the weather seemed to want to ruin everything.

But now that I'm back I am once again at a breaking point. I don't honestly know how much longer I can live at home. Don't get me wrong, i love my family very much. I also love the fact that i am not currently paying for rent/utilities/groceries. But I feel like i'm 16. Like i have to constantly tell someone where i'm going, who i'll be with, when i'll be home. I just want to be able to come home to a place where i'm not asked 1000 questions before i even take my coat off. How was work? You're home late. What's wrong? What are you doing tonight? Where's Tom? How come you're not hanging out with him? What do you want for dinner? Why aren't you hungry? etc etc etc... it goes on and on and never seems to end. I hate that i can't listen to my music loud at all b/c my mom has the strongest hearing. I hate having to eat whatever she cooks just b/c i feel bad eating something else.

Then theres the fact that I have ZERO me time b/c of my terrible commute (and don't even try to tell me that my "me" time is while i'm commuting... especially if you've never done it!). I hate having to keep all the contents of my life in one tiny room. I hate that half of my stuff is in storage. I hate that i can never have friends over b/c my parents are always here. Plus we have the most annoying dogs ever. I hate that i'm too tired from my long ass commute to ever hang out with my friends. I have zero time to think about what i eat, let alone do any sort of exercise. I hate being so tired all of the time. I especially hate the feeling that i'd rather be at work than at home... that is one of the worst.

I hate that when i get home at 7pm (or later) every night all i want to do is crash. I barely have time to eat before Tom is ready to hang out. And then i'm just too tired to do anything but watch tv. I have zero time to catch up on the random things... burning cds, printing photos, updating this thing, doing laundry, cleaning.

I especially hate that this situation has made me probably one of the most unpleasant people. I don't mean to be annoyed with everything, but i'm ready to scream (all of the time). I hate the fact that i update this damn thing and NOBODY reads it... though it is slightly theraputic.

But what I hate the most is that i'm frustrated with Tom. I know it's not his fault he graduated in December (well it is, but you know what i mean). I realize he's only been living back at home for 2 months... but i've been here 9. Can't we comprimise and say we've been home 5.5 each (9+2 = 11 divided by 2 = 5.5 avg). I don't mean to get snappy with him. I don't want to constantly beg and take every chance i can to say "how about May?" I know he's probably annoyed as hell. But we've been together 3.5 years and i've been home 9 months... to me it's time to move on to the next stage of my life.

I realize he doesn't want to leave his friends, but is it his fault they all seem to be staying in the 'burbs? No. I don't want to leave my friends either. I know for a fact my best friend will never move to Chicago with me. But I also realize everyone has their own path.

I hate knowning that so many of my friends have their own homes, lives, etc. And i'm stuck in limbo... constantly waiting. I hate feeling like I don't have control over my own life. It's like, i'm 22, have a good job and great boyfriend... so why am I miserable and living w/ my parents?

Maybe i'm just too independent for my own good. Is it unhealthy to go to an out of state college for 4 years and not get homesick? Is there even such a thing as being too independent? Maybe it's some type of phobia... I'll look into that (maybe i have more than just agoraphobia (fear of open spaces)).

Maybe it's just hard watching everyone around me move forward when i'm standing still.